Fantastic Mr Fox
Most people would already know this. But for those who live with their heads buried in the sand of their dressage arena, I have some breaking news – William Fox Pitt is coming to visit us at the Australian Three Day Event this year.
Early rumours indicated that he would be flying his horse Navigator over to compete, but the killjoys at Australian Quarantine have now made this plan unworkable, answering the silent prayers of a handful of local riders who were worried he’d be jetting back to England with the Four Star winner’s trophy stashed in his carry-on.
With winning another Four Star off the cards and his tickets at the pointy end of the plane already booked, the Adelaide organising committee are left wondering what they’re going to do with The Fox while he’s here. Short of getting him to change light bulbs, trim high branches, make cups of tea, park cars and collect dressage test papers, they’re out of answers. That’s why I’ve made it my duty to find some other activities to keep him busy.
Have a baby
Of course, The Fox can’t do this by himself. But if he really wants to fit in, there seems little point in him leaving his heavily pregnant wife Alice at home in cold and frosty England while he flies into the middle of Australia’s eventing baby boom.
Our medical facilities are second to none, and while our team for the 2036 Olympics is already looking pretty strong, we’re happy to offer Fox Jr. a birth certificate, a Wiggles DVD and a date with Bob or Bindi Irwin to encourage them to ride for Australia.
Catch a tan
For the duration of the English summer, The Fox rides horses covered from top to toe in a tweed coat, stock, breeches and top boots. And given that he’s racked up 50 three-day event wins over the past 25 years, I’d say he’s been wise to cover up.
But by my calculations, this means that The Fox has failed to see the sun properly for at least 9,125 days. So rather than coming to Adelaide to watch horses, sign autographs or sip shiraz, he should do what every other English tourist does when they come to Australia – spend his time catching some rays.
With a banana lounge, a beach towel, a pair of boardshorts, a cocktail with a little umbrella in it and a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, The Fox will think it’s Christmas.
Share his medal
Let’s be honest. The 2012 Olympics didn’t quite go to plan for Australia, and our medals from the ’92, 96, 2000 and 2008 Games are starting to look a little long in the tooth. But while our medals are losing their lustre, The Fox is sporting a brand new, top of the line silver from London.
So while he has his baby and catches a tan, he should loan his medal to some local riders who felt like they were hard done by when they missed out on the chance to win one of their own. They can sign autographs, host course-walks and bask in the reflected glory of The Fox.
Who – after 9,125 days out of the sun – is sure to have quite a reflection.
See you somewhere out there.
Hamish
