Breeding for Eventing
Everyone knows the truth. It’s expensive. Labour intensive. Time consuming. And comes with the risk of not getting exactly what you want.
Which makes me wonder why so many eventers are still breeding children?
There’s been a pregnancy explosion in the eventing community during the first few months of 2012. Almost every week comes the news that another midget is on the way, with the happy, carefree couple quietly leaking the news that confirms they know how to enjoy themselves when it’s too wet to ride.
With the drought breaking in all of the eastern states, I wonder whether there might be something in the water. Champagne perhaps?
Or maybe everyone’s been eating chocolate. Or oysters. Or puffer-fish. Whatever it is, I’m concerned there’s going to be a mass birthing at an event one day soon, with Vince Roche delivering a tribe of eventing babies while Fiona Hughes provides the commentary.
There’s been so many pregnancies lately that even I know a few things about how they work (I already knew something about the first bit, but thanks for asking). Once the couple are certain that trouble’s on the way, they batten down the hatches and take a vow of silence. This is when the doctors swarm, funding their family holidays in Aspen by doing so many tests they can probably predict the kid’s favourite colour and what they’re going to want for breakfast on their eighth birthday.
It’s only once you hit the 12 or 13-week mark that the pregnancy can be announced to the world. By this stage, the future mother has been castigated for months about her lack of interest in riding and is relieved when she can reveal that there’s more to the story than general laziness.
For the rest of us, every cloud has a silver lining. These are my tips to cash in on the baby boom.
Soon to be eventing mum, Nicky Turner, checks out little jods for little people
Start catering at events.
With all these expectant mothers around, there’s going to be good money in food. Sausages, cake, ice cream, pizza – Google tells me that pregnant women will eat anything.
So it doesn’t really matter what you sell, you’re guaranteed of making a tidy profit (although you’d probably be best to steer away from alcohol and cigarettes – apparently that’s not the done thing these days).
Forget grooming. Start a crèche instead.
By next year, all these competitive, career-minded mothers are going to be back eventing with a vengeance. Entrepreneurial types won’t waste any time buying up some mesh netting or barbed wire and erecting a crèche at the big events.
Charging by the half-hour, you’ll make a fortune as all these children are dropped into the pen to socialise while their parents ride. All you need to do is make sure they don’t escape. Easiest money you’ll ever make.
Buy up some good ponies
With all these babies due in 2012, demand is going to be high for first-ponies by 2017. Clever people will be prepared for this, with a team of 11-hand champions ready to flood the market when these kids first pull on a pair of jodhpurs.
And if you miss this first wave, by 2030 they’re all going to need quality one and two star horses.
If you start breeding them now, you might have some good ones to sell by then.
See you somewhere out there.
Hamish
