I do love you Floyd but ...
For those of you who have been writing the thousands of emails, sending the fan mail, staking out my childhood home wanting a piece of this un natural phenomenon which is James Deacons wordsmith skills … I thank you for your support. Floyd and I are on the way to being one of the best selling ‘Equinesapian’ novelists the world has ever seen.
So back to the story and Floyd if you ever read this I am sorry, but this story has to be told. For those of you who are aware and for those of you are not aware Floyd my much loved son (sorry Allan he is mine … relinquish ownership - do it now or things will get ugly!) is a chestnut. As much as his recent dying of coat has tried to confuse the millions of fans we all know it hasn’t worked. Floyds lineage only need be traced back to his father Rustic ‘Amber’.
For those of you who aren’t following let me spell it out for you. My beloved Floyd is a Ranger, he is a ginger, Fanta pants, a true ginger kid. As extensive tests have shown the link between the equine strain of gingenitis and the human strain is extremely rare and unheard of. So the chance of Floyd becoming an outcast from the popular horses in the stable is an unlikely event.
As a ginger Floyd requires a certain amount of special care so as not to cry, throw a tanty, flat out sulk or his signature move - ‘pull a Floyd’. The supergroom, Miss Kate O’Brian, departed our happy camp last week to return to Australia. She flew back to Melbourne to go into camp for the Para Team as Grace Bowman’s Groom and the fabulous ‘Kirby Park Joy’ or ‘Rolly’ as we know her. Then after camp she jumps on yet another plan back to London to go into camp with Rolly and Grace. Honestly Kate you are a star, your commitment to your friends and to the horses is so admirable. I want every one to read how much we appreciate you, especially me. I have to thank you for your personal investment into Festy, Floyd and Megan. You are a true friend and I will always fly your flag high. Thank you.
Floyds list of things he requires before he goes into his dressage test is as follows:
-sleep
-roll
-to be groomed
-roll
-fresh hay (this must be pre-soaked)
-breakfast (purely Barastoc and KER)
-the tips of 5 small sized carrots, must be fresh
-re-freshed hay bag
-Equissage
-lite treatment
-left shoulder massage (with the hand held Equissage)
-left shoulder massage by hands
-cleaning of sheath (note - this must be done with warm water)
-30 minutes of Luke Bryan music
-shiny red apple cut into quarters
If this list is not met Floyd begins to pull ‘a Floyd’… weaving begins slowly and continues all the way to ridiculous. The poring begins and soon Mt. Floyd is perfectly sculpted by his right front hoof. Ears a firmly pressed back against his head, and teeth are bared to anyone game enough to enter his five foot ‘no bite zone’. Then if none of this sparks a response his latest move is wheeling around quite dramatically with his bum to the stable door, lowering his head and basically wedging it in the corner of the stable and sulking. But complete his requirements and all is ok.
All of this ‘special attention’ got me to thinking … what about me?
Little Miss Orange princess gets his food and vitamins hand fed to him - I get yelled at when I don’t wake Megan up in time to get to Floyd. This means no breakfast for me.
Floyd 1 J.D. -1.
Floyd gets clothes removed and added - I get clothes thrown at me and told to hurry up.
Floyd 2 J.D. -2
Floyd gets personally massaged for hours. I get to sleep on a computer wedged into my back as I fall asleep doing entries all night.
Floyd 5 J.D. -5.
Floyd gets tacked up and exercised on a technologically advanced surface - I get told I don’t do enough exercise.
Floyd 12 J.D. -9
Floyd gets washed, shampooed and dried. If there is any hot water left I can use it to get Epsom salts ready for Floyds bandages, then use the cold water for a shower.
Floyd 19 J.D. -12
Floyd gets his rugs back on, legs bandaged ever so delicately and dinner presented in the form of a delicious molasses soaked nutrient rich pellet mix. If we get home in time I get to eat the ‘evening mint’ from the pillow of our B & B.
Floyd 29 J.D. -18
Time for Floyd's Equissage - I know Megan is going to give me a hard time for sitting down on the job
All of this treatment Is for a creature who is so particular about his treatment that the slightest change in his ‘schedule’ creates stress and dismay from Megan, Grooms and anyone else unlucky enough to be in earshot of these ‘horrifying’ events. All of his treatments puzzle me. What happens if we don’t go back and take rugs off or put them on? Well he would clearly die - die of non-rugness or too many-rugitis. What happens of he doesn’t get fed breakfast at 7:am every morning? He clearly loses his hind legs from malnutrition! What happens if he doesn’t get bandaged every night? Well he clearly loses both his front legs doesn’t he? What happens if the bedding isn’t exactly three inches thick in all areas of the stable? Well he isn’t able to wee in it and then sleep in his wee!
What happens if all these things aren’t done? I tell you what happens - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! He wont get too hot, he wont get too cold, he wont get stressed because … god forbid I sleep in until 7:05 one day and feed the horse 10 minutes late. I can remember at least 56 mornings I have gone with out breakfast because of that ‘ranger’ (Floyd). And all of this special treatment for an animal who: lifts its tail to poo and looks at you with the most confused look then in all his glory and high class pedigree, steps both back feet into the freshly laid steaming pile of processed food: Snots all over most of his hay before eating it, is unable to understand that his feed is to be eaten out of the bucket NOT tipped out on the dirt to be eaten: and most important of all gets a foot abscess one day before trot up in the OLYMPICS!
Please note - these are just my observations and by no means is anyone, ANYONE to relay any of this back to Megan. I love Floyd, I honestly do. I get up at any time of the day to treat him, massage, walk, groom, wash, feed, pluck eyebrows, manicure, gluten free, vegan, scientology blah didy blah blah. I really do love him, however you horse girls are bloody crazy.
I am sure you are all sitting there smiling to yourself thinking. “I’m not like that”, however answer me this ladies - how many new white rugs have you bought your horse lately? How many new bandages have you bought even though the old ones are only 20 minutes old? How many of you have horse stickers on the back of your car? Screen savers on your phone or computer? How many of you catch yourself wearing jodhpurs and boots out to dinner or in the supermarket? How many of you make up the ‘horse voice’ for your beloved equine friend. And answer questions you may ask him/her?
I made a statement to my father many years ago which was “I will never, ever be with a horse girl. This was a statement my father recently relayed back to me. I don’t just happen to ‘be with a horse girl’ I went straight to the top of the pile and let me tell you … I wouldn’t change a thing. Being here to help and support my best friend is an honor, plus I get to hang out with the biggest personality on the FEI list. KP ALLOFASUDDEN!
I am writing this from a hotel room under the doona cover with a torch as Megan isn’t aware I am back in the room writing. I am being totally serious. I wish I was joking, she knows everything, everything, ‘whispering now’I can hear her coming.
I shall leave you with a totally unofficial statement which shall be denied if brought up in the presence of ‘the boss’.
What about me? It isn’t fair. I’ve groomed enough and I want my …
